Why was my iman low?

An experience from I Love Allaah:

Many years ago, I was in front of my computer.

I kept going back and forth, back and forth to the computer to check if my Pre Calculus grade was posted yet or not.

I just kept thinking to myself, “ I have to get an A, I have to get an A, I have to get A”. I was becoming a bit crazy. Day after day, my other grades were being posted, except for the Pre-Calculus grade. I was becoming very impatient.

Who would ever have guessed that during this time, Allah would guide me to understanding a great lesson of life.

As I was saying, I kept jumping in and out if front of the computer waiting for my grade. I started to get very worried and distressed. “ What if I don’t get an A?..” I kept thinking to myself. I replayed in my mind how I performed in the final over and over, and kept thinking about the questions that I thought were a little confusing.

I don’t remember if at that moment, I told myself that the grade in this test doesn’t determine my status in the Akhirah, the hereafter. I didn’t question why I was getting so distressed.

Why did I get so distressed for things with the dunya so much ? Why ?
Why is this dunya so important for me ? is this something between Heaven and Hell ?
If I did receive an A, would that gain me rewards or would I gain Allah’s love and pleasure?

All of my other grades were in the “A” range, and I had to find out what I got for math. The thought of not getting an “A” was choking me.

As I sat in front of the computer, waiting and waiting. I fell across the story of Hajir online in the book “The Ideal Muslimah”

Ironically, the very first statements of the book were : “The Believing Woman is Alert
One of the most prominent distinguishing features of the Muslim woman is her deep faith in Allah (SWT), and her sincere conviction that whatever happens in this universe, and whatever fate befalls human beings, only happens through the will and decree of Allah (SWT); whatever befalls a person could not have been avoided, and whatever does not happen to a person could not have been made to happen. A person has no choice in this life but to strive towards the right path and to do good deeds – acts of worship and other acts – by whatever means one can, putting all his trust in Allah (SWT), submitting to His will, and believing that he is always in need of Allah’s (SWT) help and support.”

After I read these statements, I felt terrible about how I had been acting.

Why didn’t I have full trust and conviction in Allah ?
I studied hard for the test and the rest is up to Allah. Why was I getting so distressed about something of this dunya ? 

Did I ever act this way regarding my prayers ? 
Did I ever act this way for the fact that I didn’t wear the complete hijab ? 
Did I ever act this way because I didn’t honor my parents enough ? 
Did I ever get this distressed because I don’t have enough knowledge of Islam?

As I continued to read, it had the story of Hajir. How Hajir was left by Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) in the middle of the desert with their young baby.

The book had the statements: “Hajar had no-one with her except her infant son Isma`il. She asked Ibrahim, calmly and with no trace of panic: “Has Allah (SWT) commanded you to do this, O Ibrahim?” Ibrahim (peace be upon him) said, “Yes.” Her response reflected her acceptance and optimism: “Then He is not going to abandon us.”

After I read the few sentences of the book, all my senses opened up. Not only that, my heart opened.
How do I know that ? Because I started to cry. I cried and cried about how low my iman was.

Astaghfirullah, look at the way I was acting. I was waiting for a simple math grade, and I was going crazy with no patience ! Look at Hajir, left in the middle of the desert with no food and no water and she had complete trust and faith in Allah !

I realized that my iman was low. Where do I stand compared to women like Hajir ? Where do I stand compared to Asiya when she was being tortured by her husband , Fir’awn, and still had patience ? Where do I stand compared to Ayiesha when she was being wrongly slandered and rumors were spreading about her ? Where do I stand compared to Mariam when she had the miracle child without a father and had to face the people ? Why was my iman so low ? Why did I often find myself becoming extremely distressed and impatient for the things in this dunya ?

Sometime later, I discovered that I did get an “A” on Pre Calculus.
“What was all the fuss about ?” I think to myself. “ What if I didn’t get an “A” ? So what ? I could try harder next time.
Why didn’t I have patience as Allah has commanded us to have?

After that period in my life, I started to work harder on my prayers, wearing hijab correctly, learning Islam, and etc.

I finally started to try my best to putting Allah first before everything else. Brothers and Sisters, don’t forget what Allah states in the Quran: “And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine…” [al-Talaaq 65:2,3].

Look at how Allah provided for Hajir at that time ! Her response to her husband at that difficult moment was that Allah wouldn’t abandon her family. Allaahuakbar ! How many of us respond like that at times of distress?

Brothers and Sisters, don’t put the dunya before the Akhirah. Remember, if you do something for the pleasure of Allah, Allah will take care of you. We will always find ourselves in difficult situations, which is not a surprise because this is the dunya.

Insha’Allaah , let’s strive our best to struggle in worshiping Allaah according to the Qur’aan and authentic Sunnah. That is true success. Insha’Allaah, in Jannah, everything will be perfect. Remember, our goal is pleasure in Jannah, not pleasure in this dunya.

I try to remember this statement I had heard in a lecture, “Islam should not revolve around your life, your life should revolve around Islam.”

NOTE: This story has been copied exactly from I Love Allaah with few corrections in regards to spelling. Credit goes to them not Islamic Experiences.

One response to “Why was my iman low?”

  1. just keep on praying to Allah, always ask guidance from Allah. do you part and give the rest to Allah to fix it for you.