It may sound like being ungrateful but the clouds of frustration hovered over me long enough to make me appreciate the beams of sunlight penetrating through. It wasn’t like my husband was a bad person or Allaah didn’t bless me with kids, or my mum in law was a brutal lady. There were no financial ups n downs either… The cause was just hard to find. It was hard to explain my discontentment…I wasn’t even sure who’s to blame. Was it just depression? Any psychological help that I was in need of? Or just being grumpy is my thing? I never really realized and may be because I never gave it much of the required thought. Years passed and I found no cure to my helplessness. It wasn’t like I was unaware of deen or the power, mercy and will of Allaah. When I came to deen, I was a good struggling Muslim. At Least when I stepped on that path, I also strove to achieve its essence. How did it all come to this? Was the foundation of our marriage wrong? No! The only reason I said yes to this proposal was that we were friends with my in laws and they were sound in their aqeedah and much practicing Muslims since the time when we just knew of deen as a deen of salat, saum, hajj, zakat and good deeds, with least of its rulings and essence. How can this possibly be wrong then?
Pondering over it and recalling where did I go wrong, I learned that I married my husband to complete half of my deen. Which is a great thing. Right? But what I expected from him was…to do it for me… I wanted him to take me to Jannah and become the strong pillar, not only for me but also for our family ahead. I wished him to steer our life and make us among those momineen who are praised by Allaah in His awesome book and it seemed like the only thing that I kept relying on with passing time. But where did my connection with my Rabb go? How much did I really do to be that momin? I guess I just wanted an easy way – to run away from my responsibilities. I wanted someone else to do much of my required deeds for me. It is true that a religious spouse is a blessing from Allaah but obviously if he’s responsible for us, I should also remember that I’m also responsible for myself and my kids…
As Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The ameer (ruler) who governs the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of the members of his household and is responsible for them. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house and children and is responsible for them. A slave is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.” [Bukhaari, 7138; Muslim, 1829]
Seems like I overlooked my share to act upon. Now realizing all this makes me struggle Alhamdulillah. I didn’t like it at first of course but then doing it all for the sake of Allaah and to bring my kids up and make them our sadaqah jariyah while striving to make my husband love his Lord, made me realize how much I needed it from the very first day. It’s a struggle that I do only to please my Rabb and it has loosened most of my jumbled knots, making me a better wife and a kind mother. After all, this dunya is a test and a place to strive in, to make it to our home sweetest home – Jannah!
Article submitted by Umm Abdullah