Bismillah Ar Rahman Ar Raheem
As Muslims, we all go through our fair share of trials and hardships in this world. Allah tests us with these trials and hardships to test our belief in Him and to always come back to Him and ask for forgiveness and guidance. But sometimes, a Muslim may slip up. A Muslim may be ignorant or just for whatever reason, decides to be disobedient. As Muslims and human beings, we sin a lot. However, some sins are more dangerous than others and can have long-term or even life-long effects on a person. These sins are specially dangerous because these sins are hard to move away from. For example, smoking a cigarette is a sin and is hard to stop due to its addictive nature. Masturbation is another disgusting sin that is hard to stop because the urge to sexually relief oneself is too great to ignore. There is one particular sin that I would like to discuss as I personally think that is one of the most dangerous sin compared to most. It is a sin that affects a person emotionally, physically, mentally, and sexually. It is a sin with many excuses and it affects the Muslim youth in colleges and Islamic organizations the most. I call it, the “Muslimized relationship”.
Now what is a Muslimized relationship? It’s like a boy/girlfriend relationship that non-Muslims have but with a few exceptions. These exceptions would be any physical contact such as holding hands in public. Another exception would be the sexual aspect of the relationship as most Muslims Alhamdulilah would never go as far as to do that. However, if they continue this Muslimized relationship, they just might. So in a Muslimzed relationship, the people involved won’t ever make it official that they are together, nor will they act like they are together in public. You see, this is a secret relationship. Yea some people might tell their close friends, but these friends will keep the secret and won’t go as far as to tell the local Muslim community in their school, job, neighborhood, Masjid, etc.
Believe it or not, one of the reasons these people even get into this relationship is because they know that their parents would never allow them to marry anyone other than their local community back at their homeland country or even within the same block! So they get into this relationship because they think that they only have a few years to experience what “true love” feels like before getting into a marriage they don’t want to get into. On the other hand, people get into a relationship thinking that both of their parents will approve of them and that they can get married in the future. This is very risky and both will be in for a rude awakening if one of the parents don’t approve. I’ll talk about that later.
Although the relationship itself is haram, that’s not the most dangerous part of the sin. The dangerous part is how the sin affects you long-term. This is the purpose of this article and this is what I am going to talk about in detail.
One of the things that makes this sin dangerous is the fact that shaytan has prepared a thousand and one excuses for you to say to people who question your relationship. For example, when people ask you why are you talking to so and so on the phone, you would say “oh, its just for work” or “oh, we have a project due next week that we need to work on”. Yet, what percentage of that talk actually goes towards your project or work? How many of your texts and emails are actually related to that Islamic organization you are involved in? Where are your other team members in this “project” you’re working on? Why do you need to go to a study room, where no one can see you two together, in order to “study” for a class? Why do you really need to take the bus or train home together? Why do you really have to call each other at midnight and talk for two hours about “work”? If you really need to study together, bring another classmate to minimize the fitna. If you can, wait a few minutes for the person to go home before going home yourself. If you must talk on the phone about work, do it at a better time during the day. And if these excuses really are 100% legitimate, then conversations should be short, straight to the point, and professional.
I am not saying to go on the extreme and just stop talking to one another, but trust me when I say that anything you do that is beyond your legitimate excuses tend to show and becomes obvious that you two are doing more than just “work”.
A dangerous factor of this sin is how it can lead to adultery. Of course, you might say that it is extremely haram and that you will never reach that point. But if you were able to reach to the point of talking and flirting with one another in a way that seems natural, its not hard to imagine how you two can be sucked into hugging, kissing, and eventually, sex. This is definitely not as far-fetched as it may seem and it is one of many tricks shaytan plays on you in order to avoid realizing that you’re more closer to adultery than you thought. And if you never think it’ll reach that far, then you may want to consider why Allah (SWT) told us to lower our gazes. Anything that Allah has declared haram is haram from the ROOT or SOURCE of that act or thing. I’ll leave you to reflect on that.
Another dangerous factor of this sin is the mental and emotional effect it has on a person. The relationship is not official. Even if it was, no one will be able to testify to that since it is in secret. Thus, seeing your partner with another man or women will pain you. Especially if your partner always seems to have a good time when he/she is with that person. Another thing is that although you guys have expressed how much you love one another, it tends to be frustrating cause you really can’t do anything that a married couple can do. This leads to that adultery point I mentioned before.
Most importantly, if you or your partner’s parents reject your marriage proposal in the future, then you’re in for a real mess. If you both end up married but never completely got over each other, than you two will always compare your current spouses with each other. You will always wonder how life would have been if you two were together. You may end up having an affair in secret after marriage causing you to feel tremendous guilt every time you go home or worse; you may not even feel anything at all which will cause the relationship with your spouse to diminish since you won’t be giving your spouse the attention he/she needs. You may even run away from home to be with this person. Trust me when I say that this is not as far-fetched as it may seem. When getting married the halal way, you always think with your mind to see the other person’s characteristics and personality. When you fall in love with someone, your heart does all the thinking. It clouds your judgement and makes you act irrational sometimes (if that happens after marriage, then that’s good!). Hence the reason Allah doesn’t hold you accountable for the love you feel in your heart but rather, He holds you accountable for what led to that feeling.
It is not speaking about treating them equally when it comes to emotions. You cannot EQUALLY love two people. You cannot control your heart. Even most parents would tend to love one child just a little bit more than the other while loving them all very much at the same time. So when it comes to emotions you cannot be equal…
You will never be able to be just to, to treat equally, your wives, in terms of love, even if you be eager, for this; yet do not turn altogether away, towards the one you love with respect to the shares and maintenance expenses, so that you leave her, the one from whom you turn away, like one suspended, one that is neither a slavegirl nor a woman with a husband. If you set things right, by being just with the shares, and are wary, of injustice, surely God is ever Forgiving, regarding the inclination in your hearts, Merciful, to you in this respect. (Jalal ud-Din Siyuti, Tafsir al-Jalalayn, Commentary on Surah 4:129, Source: www.altafsir.net)
When one of you moves on but the other can’t, that person will always think about you. That person will always want to be in your life no matter how much you distance yourself. That person will try to get your attention through means you can’t avoid. If you’re married, that person can harass your spouse and make your life miserable while digging themselves into a deeper hole. When that person gets marriage proposals from people that are better than you, that person will compare them with you and reject them because they can never be you. If that person rejects many of these proposals, that person may end up never getting married. It can take months or even years before that person can get over it and if that person’s imaan isn’t high enough, they may reject Islam or even commit suicide.
These “Muslimized relationships” are happening all over the west. It is occurring all over our colleges, jobs, MSA’s and volunteers of ICNA, ISNA, and whatever. It can start in many ways such as a friend telling the person you like, that you like them. Then one of you have the guts to disobey Allah (SWT) first and start talking to one another, meeting in study rooms, going to Islamic Events together, texting and talking on the phone for hours, etc. It can start from getting each others phone numbers or adding each other on Facebook. From there, you guys talk until it becomes apparent to you both that you like one another. It can start by taking the same train or bus home on a constant basis until one of you initiates small talk that turns into a relationship. It can even start by catching each other looking at one another during classes, lectures, or events. Which then again, causes one of you to have the guts to disobey Allah (SWT) first.
Sometimes you talk to many women or men as “friends” but if its useless talk and is nothing productive, than I highly suggest you stop. I know a person who was married and the problem was, he was talking/flirting to a lot of women via texting. It took him 3 years(!!!) to stop. Imagine that, it took him 3 years to stop texting, yet you expect to have the power to end your relationship in a snap?
We’re all weak human beings. None of us can be sinless like the Prophets of Allah. However, we must not let shaytan fool ourselves into doing things that are clearly forbidden in Islam. My only solution for anyone in a relationship and wants to stop is to fear Allah, and cut it from the source and end all communications. It may not be what you want to hear, but there are no shortcuts you can take. If any of you are at the beginning phases or feel like it might happen to you if you continue along your current path, then know the dangers that I’ve mentioned above and pray to Allah to guide you to the straight path.
May Allah guide all the Muslim youth to the straight path, protect us from shaytan, and make us among the people who will go to heaven. Ameen.
If I said anything wrong or offensive to someone, then please forgive me.
If you have a bad habit (or sin) that you can’t stop, maybe this can help: http://www.islamicexperiences.com/2011/07/letting-go-of-bad-habits-before-they.html
If you are depressed whether it is due to these after effects or not, you can visit here: http://www.islamicexperiences.com/2011/06/10-tips-to-fight-depression.html
If you want to make dua to Allah (SWT), these are a list of best times to do so: http://www.islamicexperiences.com/2011/01/best-times-to-make-dua-supplication.html