The dangers of Muslims having haram premarital relationships and affairs

Bismillah Ar Rahman Ar Raheem

As Muslims, we all go through our fair share of trials and hardships in this world. Allah tests us with these trials and hardships to test our belief in Him and to always come back to Him and ask for forgiveness and guidance. But sometimes, a Muslim may slip up. A Muslim may be ignorant or just for whatever reason, decides to be disobedient. As Muslims and human beings, we sin a lot. However, some sins are more dangerous than others and can have long-term or even life-long effects on a person. These sins are specially dangerous because these sins are hard to move away from. For example, smoking a cigarette is a sin and is hard to stop due to its addictive nature. Masturbation is another disgusting sin that is hard to stop because the urge to sexually relief oneself is too great to ignore. There is one particular sin that I would like to discuss as I personally think that is one of the most dangerous sin compared to most. It is a sin that affects a person emotionally, physically, mentally, and sexually. It is a sin with many excuses and it affects the Muslim youth in colleges and Islamic organizations the most. I call it, the “Muslimized relationship”.

Now what is a Muslimized relationship? It’s like a boy/girlfriend relationship that non-Muslims have but with a few exceptions. These exceptions would be any physical contact such as holding hands in public. Another exception would be the sexual aspect of the relationship as most Muslims Alhamdulilah would never go as far as to do that. However, if they continue this Muslimized relationship, they just might. So in a Muslimzed relationship, the people involved won’t ever make it official that they are together, nor will they act like they are together in public. You see, this is a secret relationship. Yea some people might tell their close friends, but these friends will keep the secret and won’t go as far as to tell the local Muslim community in their school, job, neighborhood, Masjid, etc.

Believe it or not, one of the reasons these people even get into this relationship is because they know that their parents would never allow them to marry anyone other than their local community back at their homeland country or even within the same block! So they get into this relationship because they think that they only have a few years to experience what “true love” feels like before getting into a marriage they don’t want to get into. On the other hand, people get into a relationship thinking that both of their parents will approve of them and that they can get married in the future. This is very risky and both will be in for a rude awakening if one of the parents don’t approve. I’ll talk about that later.

Although the relationship itself is haram, that’s not the most dangerous part of the sin. The dangerous part is how the sin affects you long-term. This is the purpose of this article and this is what I am going to talk about in detail.

One of the things that makes this sin dangerous is the fact that shaytan has prepared a thousand and one excuses for you to say to people who question your relationship. For example, when people ask you why are you talking to so and so on the phone, you would say “oh, its just for work” or “oh, we have a project due next week that we need to work on”. Yet, what percentage of that talk actually goes towards your project or work? How many of your texts and emails are actually related to that Islamic organization you are involved in? Where are your other team members in this “project” you’re working on? Why do you need to go to a study room, where no one can see you two together, in order to “study” for a class? Why do you really need to take the bus or train home together? Why do you really have to call each other at midnight and talk for two hours about “work”? If you really need to study together, bring another classmate to minimize the fitna. If you can, wait a few minutes for the person to go home before going home yourself. If you must talk on the phone about work, do it at a better time during the day. And if these excuses really are 100% legitimate, then conversations should be short, straight to the point, and professional.

I am not saying to go on the extreme and just stop talking to one another, but trust me when I say that anything you do that is beyond your legitimate excuses tend to show and becomes obvious that you two are doing more than just “work”.

A dangerous factor of this sin is how it can lead to adultery. Of course, you might say that it is extremely haram and that you will never reach that point. But if you were able to reach to the point of talking and flirting with one another in a way that seems natural, its not hard to imagine how you two can be sucked into hugging, kissing, and eventually, sex. This is definitely not as far-fetched as it may seem and it is one of many tricks shaytan plays on you in order to avoid realizing that you’re more closer to adultery than you thought. And if you never think it’ll reach that far, then you may want to consider why Allah (SWT) told us to lower our gazes. Anything that Allah has declared haram is haram from the ROOT or SOURCE of that act or thing. I’ll leave you to reflect on that.

Another dangerous factor of this sin is the mental and emotional effect it has on a person. The relationship is not official. Even if it was, no one will be able to testify to that since it is in secret. Thus, seeing your partner with another man or women will pain you. Especially if your partner always seems to have a good time when he/she is with that person. Another thing is that although you guys have expressed how much you love one another, it tends to be frustrating cause you really can’t do anything that a married couple can do. This leads to that adultery point I mentioned before.

Most importantly, if you or your partner’s parents reject your marriage proposal in the future, then you’re in for a real mess. If you both end up married but never completely got over each other, than you two will always compare your current spouses with each other. You will always wonder how life would have been if you two were together. You may end up having an affair in secret after marriage causing you to feel tremendous guilt every time you go home or worse; you may not even feel anything at all which will cause the relationship with your spouse to diminish since you won’t be giving your spouse the attention he/she needs. You may even run away from home to be with this person. Trust me when I say that this is not as far-fetched as it may seem. When getting married the halal way, you always think with your mind to see the other person’s characteristics and personality. When you fall in love with someone, your heart does all the thinking. It clouds your judgement and makes you act irrational sometimes (if that happens after marriage, then that’s good!). Hence the reason Allah doesn’t hold you accountable for the love you feel in your heart but rather, He holds you accountable for what led to that feeling.

It is not speaking about treating them equally when it comes to emotions. You cannot EQUALLY love two people. You cannot control your heart. Even most parents would tend to love one child just a little bit more than the other while loving them all very much at the same time. So when it comes to emotions you cannot be equal…

You will never be able to be just to, to treat equally, your wives, in terms of love, even if you be eager, for this; yet do not turn altogether away, towards the one you love with respect to the shares and maintenance expenses, so that you leave her, the one from whom you turn away, like one suspended, one that is neither a slavegirl nor a woman with a husband. If you set things right, by being just with the shares, and are wary, of injustice, surely God is ever Forgiving, regarding the inclination in your hearts, Merciful, to you in this respect. (Jalal ud-Din Siyuti, Tafsir al-Jalalayn, Commentary on Surah 4:129, Source:

When one of you moves on but the other can’t, that person will always think about you. That person will always want to be in your life no matter how much you distance yourself. That person will try to get your attention through means you can’t avoid. If you’re married, that person can harass your spouse and make your life miserable while digging themselves into a deeper hole. When that person gets marriage proposals from people that are better than you, that person will compare them with you and reject them because they can never be you. If that person rejects many of these proposals, that person may end up never getting married. It can take months or even years before that person can get over it and if that person’s imaan isn’t high enough, they may reject Islam or even commit suicide.

These “Muslimized relationships” are happening all over the west. It is occurring all over our colleges, jobs, MSA’s and volunteers of ICNA, ISNA, and whatever. It can start in many ways such as a friend telling the person you like, that you like them. Then one of you have the guts to disobey Allah (SWT) first and start talking to one another, meeting in study rooms, going to Islamic Events together, texting and talking on the phone for hours, etc. It can start from getting each others phone numbers or adding each other on Facebook. From there, you guys talk until it becomes apparent to you both that you like one another. It can start by taking the same train or bus home on a constant basis until one of you initiates small talk that turns into a relationship. It can even start by catching each other looking at one another during classes, lectures, or events. Which then again, causes one of you to have the guts to disobey Allah (SWT) first.

Sometimes you talk to many women or men as “friends” but if its useless talk and is nothing productive, than I highly suggest you stop. I know a person who was married and the problem was, he was talking/flirting to a lot of women via texting. It took him 3 years(!!!) to stop. Imagine that, it took him 3 years to stop texting, yet you expect to have the power to end your relationship in a snap?

We’re all weak human beings. None of us can be sinless like the Prophets of Allah. However, we must not let shaytan fool ourselves into doing things that are clearly forbidden in Islam. My only solution for anyone in a relationship and wants to stop is to fear Allah, and cut it from the source and end all communications. It may not be what you want to hear, but there are no shortcuts you can take. If any of you are at the beginning phases or feel like it might happen to you if you continue along your current path, then know the dangers that I’ve mentioned above and pray to Allah to guide you to the straight path.

May Allah guide all the Muslim youth to the straight path, protect us from shaytan, and make us among the people who will go to heaven. Ameen.

If I said anything wrong or offensive to someone, then please forgive me.

If you have a bad habit (or sin) that you can’t stop, maybe this can help:

If you are depressed whether it is due to these after effects or not, you can visit here:

If you want to make dua to Allah (SWT), these are a list of best times to do so:

60 responses to “The dangers of Muslims having haram premarital relationships and affairs”

  1. I'm not a Muslim but thanks for your message. I was only 17 when I met a Muslim man. I was a good Christian and nothing happened but he pursued me relentlessly and finally I said I would go out with him. This led to years of secrecy and depression. Only my God saved me from the deep pain and abuse this man put me through. Now I love my God over anyone and I give my life to him because only God know what is best for us and you give good advice. One thing you didnt mention is that these loving feelings are perfectly natural And very overpowering and even the strongest faith and prayer can be gone in seconds. I was with him for a year before we kissed. Something so sweet became a painful and sad memory Over the years where due to his abuse and modern ways (flirting charming etc) I couldnt take any more. It made me think maybe he was keeping other secrets from me. By the time it was in the open every woman I looked at I thought he had something with and every text I found he'd sent broke my heart even more. Of course any relationship can go this way but when you are married at least you can explore it knowing God is pleased.

  2. Sorry… to continue…. When you see someone lie on a daily basis to people faces, over the phone etc you realise what they're capable of. When that is there choice and not yours and you are a quiet unassuming kind of person and respect them so much…. And then you grow up and realise…. Maybe it's all them. Makes tpu suspicious. There is a verse from the Bible that says something along the lines of 'stay forever with the wife of your youth and may only her breasts satisfy you forever' this is because the deepest bond we create is the first person we make love to, and when we look at them when we are both 80 we remember them as a young beautiful thing and our fondness and desire are for all the changing faces we have been through the years, from our beautiful youth to our glowing old age.

  3. What if you are with someone, and you both soon are gonna be married just not yet. But yes soon, is it then ok to hold hand, hug, and occasionally kiss, no "intense" kissing just small ones, and no sex before they are actually married. Is that allowed?

  4. Any relationship outside of marriage is haram. Even if you are bound to marry someone. HOWEVER, the good news is, if you are going to get married very soon, you can afford to wait until the time you guys are married in order to do what you want to do in the halal manner. There is no reason to get into haram before getting into the halal. You are very fortunate in the sense that most people want to do what you said you wanted to do, however, they don't have a potential husband/wife in sight. You do. So it makes it so much easier to ask Allah (SWT) for a little more patience and wait until you two are married.

  5. i am a divorced was a non muslim women who was dating a muslim man who made me believe he was divorced with kids, only to find out after 3 years later that he is still married and has kids. I have become a revert during the time we were dating but did not disclose to this to him as i was waiting for him to guide me to becoming a revert, he never did. how bad is this sin that he has committed? i knew in the back of my mind he was hiding someting just did not expect this.

  6. Salam to everyone . I need advice from some one here. Can you Plz send me an email so i Can email you about My situation? Its à about marriage. My email is . Im kinda engaged but have not done neekah yet. I got proposal from tjis family WHO live in asia and me and My family on europé. I was happy when they proposed but after i Said yes. I felt unsure and im scared. Im Worry to much. I have read quran and prayed to Allah to give me puré Heart and show me the right path. One sec i long to meet him and other sec i just Want to say i regret that i Said yes bu i don't Want to hurt Anyone. Plz give me advice

  7. you know what I've read a few passages about marriage and the pure marrying the pure and the impure marrying the impure, I wonder how they get impure in the first place…or about getting 100 lashes for having sex, it just doesn't happen where I'm from you know what I'm saying, where do I get 100 lashes? maybe in medieval arabia somewhere. I'll tell you I converted as I live in a western country and have muslims in my family, I pray 5 times a day, I feel pure, but no I'm not that….who the fuck is getting married around here, pardon my french…how the fuck does anyone even get married. not that I'm encouraging anybody. you get a tattoo it doesn't come off too easy, even if you convert to islam, it doesn't mean I need to get online and read this criticism and it doesn't mean i'm not a muslim. Anyway I'll sleep on it, tomorrow's a new day.

  8. I'm a Christian woman who was married to a Muslim man and I am now widowed. I became very depressed and fell for the wrong man, out of wedlock I had 2 children. I left the relationship and turned to my church for help. I spent 6yrs alone and met the prefect Muslim man. I told him immediately I was widowed, I wasn't a virgin, I had 2 children out of wedlock and last I wasn't Muslim. I explained that I turned to God for help and was a born a born again Christain. He said When You marry again will you convert to Islam? I told him my chances of marring a Muslim man are gone and my chances of ever marrying again would be difficult. He said to me not if your my wife. I smiled and we have been separable ever since. We became friends after 6 months we were secretly dating. I asked him about marriage because he and I had began to hug and kiss on the cheek. I wanted to do everything the right way and not ruin my chances of having a good marriage, husband & life. We were both very scared. He said he wanted to choose his own wife and not marry the wife his parents chose for him he said they want him to come home to get married & he's not gonna go. We fell in love. He took me to his house for dinner and the entire family was devastated. He received calls from his country (Pakistan). the worst call was from his parents, his father told him to come home immediately. We never discussed having sex or kissing but he called me and said he had to leave and he wanted to are me before he left. I Think We Both knew What was Going To happen as soon as he arrived without discussing it we went to my bedroom and we had sex. I asked If He was coming Back He said Yes. I knew when he left he would come back a married man but he promised me that he would not get married and that he was only going home to visit and he would return soon. He called during the time he was home and he even gave me the phone number to reach him if I needed to reach him in Pakistan. Two months later he returned and came to my house we were so happy to see each other. I notice when he spoke to me he would not look at me and then I asked him Did you get married? he said yes but I didn't want to. He then said I had to do it I would lose my family. I began to cry. He said don't worry I will not bring her here she will stay there. I asked him if he had sex with her and he said yes he had to. I questioned him asking if she was pregnant he said he didn't know. Time went by and we continued to see each other and we never talk about his marriage as if it never happened. We continue to discuss us spending the rest of our lives together and having two more children after we marry. The day came when we finally made love again. This time it was planned. We wanted to make sure I was ovulating because we wanted to be pregnant. The next day the thought of a third child out of wedlock by a married man was over whelming. Two days later I went to the Masjid with Muslim friends and family who would witness my faith in the Islamic Creed. (SHAHADA) We planned a civil ceremony, private of course. I waited for him to come over because he and I we going to have dinner to celebrate. Ali, was a no call no show. He won't answer my calls text messages or emails. It has been 6 long days. I believe I will never see him again… MY HEART TELLS ME HE ENTERED MY LIFE WITH GOOD INTENTIONS… I SHOULD BE THANKFUL AND GIVE PRAISE TO ALLAH FOR HE IS THE ONE AND ONLY GOD AND MUHAMMED IS HIS MESSENGER AND I ASK FOR FORGIVENESS BECAUSE OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS HARAM. It hadn't been a week and I'm fasting and I stay in prayer, praying to Allah to give me strength & l lead me in the right direction.

  9. i'm sorry but i completely disagree with everything you said. it's unfortunate that the muslim community thinks i'm destined for hell just because i am in a happy relationship with someone, despite the fact that we are hurting no one in the process – i dont think i'm a bad person, and i've decided to devote my career to helping people. but according to some scriptures, it doesn't matter, i'm still going to hell. -_-

    islam needs to rethink some of its laws, because frankly, it's illogical that beliefs like these exits.

  10. @ChocolateAndCream – My faith is sending a different message than my heart. The two are at war with one another and I'm stuck in the middle. I stay in silence however my heart would probably agree with your testimony. Ameen

  11. ^comment above me; you speak the truth. I do love Allah (SWT) but, being brought up in western society, I have been crafted to somewhat oppose the views of islam i.e. gay marriage. I know that Allah (SWT) wants the best for us, and that our purpose on this earth is to worship him, but my logic and common sense wish to dispute SOME of the ways.

    I am still young though, I wish to learn more about Allahs (SWT) messages and teaching's in order to be able to understand him, thereby creating a relationship with him.

  12. hi, asalamualaikum,im a ummarried muslim gal,nd i did a big mistake in ma lyf,i had oral sex with my boyfriend,atually im forced to do so…he is olso a muslim ,he is married n have one kid too,he promised me that he vil marry me,bt one day i came to knw that he z a cheater,his wife came 2 knw abt dis relationship n she told me dat he ws having relationships wit so mny gals,i felt so sorry for his wife n i apologised wit her,she accepted my apology… my boyfriend puts all blames on me,he said dat im d one who tried to abuse him,he forced me to do sex wit him so mny tyms without my permission ,after that i ask 4 forgiveness frm ALLAH so mny tyms,bt im still depressed…….pls help me to get out f dis……..what can i do to avoid all tensions and depressions…..?

  13. I had been in a long term relationship with a good Muslim man for a year and three months (I'm Muslim too) and we were together with the intention of getting married. But in the end, his parents did not agree with us being married due to me not being Pakistani. He made the decision to accept a proposal from another family to please his own family and is now on Umrah and will be marrying this girl within 2 weeks of ending our relationship. I am at a loss at what to do and his determination to do this has left me heartbroken. He himself did not want to hurt me but has left me broken. I don't know what to do. I've been praying, trying to get my mind off him and move on but nothing is helping. Deep down I know Allah (SWT) has something else planned for me, but when you believe this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with, it's hard to even get out of bed knowing he's coming back married. After reading this article I know I'll be much more careful and approach any potential relationships in such a more Islamic way that won't result in me being hurt. But any words, duas or advice to help me get through this will really help. I'm considering going to an Imam to get some kind of comfort from all of this.

  14. Assalamu alaikum Nadz,

    May Allah (swt) give you patience and strength to get through this time Ameen. Although Alhamdulillah I haven't been in a relationship of this sort, I've had my fair share of disappointments in "crushes", where I've stupidly considered possibilities from afar and seen them boil down to nothing. One of these was particularly horrible, because the man was non-Muslim and friendly but obviously nothing was going to happen… At the time, I was devastated because I'd convinced myself that I loved him. I had these conflicting thoughts about how on the one hand I should be grateful that I'm not doing haram, and on the other how I wished he would give me some attention in 'that' way.

    One of my greatest comforts at the time was the last 3 verses of Surah at-Tariq:
    "Verily, they are but plotting a plot (against you O Muhammad). And I (too) am planning a plan. So give a respite to the disbelievers. Deal you gently with them for a while." (v.15-17, Surah-at-Tariq).

    If you especially hear these verses in recitation, they sound beautiful. This just reminded me that my thoughts were ridiculous. Allah (swt) always has a plan… the disbelievers may appear to be having all the 'fun' in this world by taking on haram relationships, but they only have a brief respite at the end. Our task is only to gently deal with them, and these distractions for a while. The hereafter is much longer, with many more rewards for those who have patience and fear (taqwa) of disobeying Allah (swt).

    Once I started thinking like this, Allah (swt) made the rest a LOT easier! In those days I even dreamed about my future husband, and just realizing that made me fall in love with the man who I will actually marry one day in the halal fashion. It gave me a LOT of sabr (patience) – every time I started to fall back on the habit of having crushes, I remembered the dream Allah (swt) had shown me and quickly stopped Alhamdulillah!!

    So sister Nadz, I know my experiences don't even come close to what you're going through right now, but I hope and pray that InshaAllah you can take some comfort and knowledge away from them. Ultimately the reason for your heartbreak right now is that you allowed yourself a year ago to enter this false relationship. Having the intention to marry is not the same as actually being married. These words might hurt you right now, but InshaAllah Allah (swt) will give you patience and guidance too. You're taking an excellent step by planning to approach potential relationships in a more Islamic manner – combine this with turning to Allah (swt) for forgiveness and patience too.

    May Allah (swt) keep us all on the righteous path, give us ajar for our good deeds, and prevent us from whispers of Shaytaan. Ameen.

  15. I agree with not being involved in premarital relationships although I am not practicing the Muslim faith. Many religions will talk about the risks of such behaviour and I understand why the article would caution this practice. However, the article mentions planned marriages. I feel strongly against this. This has been practiced for many centuries by many cultures due to lack of resources, education etc. It can be just as harmful to a person emotionally and physically when they are forced to marry someone they do not wish (i.e. self harm/suicide). Is it God's will to marry for the purpose of wealth and property? Many families will practice arrange marriages to keep money in the family, pay off a debt, resolve conflict between families. Does God (who we all have the same God) want us to judge others? or forgive? There is a difference between religious and cultural beliefs or practices. Even culture within the family is different. Every person practices and interprets things differently to their own choosing. Even in what I have just written, there will be many comments and interpretations. How was it that the Muslim religion has been able to spread to so many countries?? Because no one got involved with another who converted? This is how religions have been able to spread, mixing with other people and converting while conquering cities etc.

  16. The article says nothing about marrying "for the purpose of wealth and property"…. "Planned marriages" aren't just about that, although I'll admit some families exploit this idea. A planned marriage in Islam is about thinking with your head, not your heart, and making sure that you are actually compatible with your partner. This means that you can have conversations with one another to understand each other's expectations in a marriage, so that you can decide if you want to marry. This is done in the presence of family members so that the potential couple is not left alone before marriage.

    So this really doesn't rule out the possibility of people from other religions converting to Islam… And, in fact, Muslim men are permitted to marry other women who have faith in God (Christians and Jews), granted that they are given strong encouragement at the same time to choose from among Muslim women who have faith in God.

    Lastly, there is a HUGE difference between religion and culture. Religion is a way of life, a set of rules springing from strong belief in God (or other deities in the case of monotheistic religions). Culture, on the other hand, is how people live within those set of rules; the local customs and varieties that they adopt, which helps them identify within a community. I know this can be confusing because there is also the term "Muslim culture", which I think means the way Muslims dress etc in a particular community, in order to distinguish from non-Muslim cultures. While culture is something that you're born in and adapt to, religion isn't something you do on the side. It IS your code of living in everyday life. At least that's how it is for Muslims in Islam.

  17. Some of these comments are heart breaking. The pain of adultery is palpable in each of the comments that mention it. I believe that adultery is forbidden for just this reason–the emotional, spiritual and social pain it causes. By its very nature it drags in a host of other sins (actions and thoughts that separate us from Allah, who is freedom, security, life itself): lies, secrecy, manipulation, lack of respect for other human beings, abuse of power, etc. It is an injustice for the people directly involved and for the concentric circles of people radiating out from them: spouses, children, extended family members, friends and the wider community. That said, the people involved aren't necessarily evil, but they struggle to figure out how to meet their needs in a mature and healthy way. Unfortunately, families themselves are not always equipped to guide their children spiritually and socially, teaching them the skills necessary to form healthy and spiritually beneficial relationships. Families themselves too often pressure their children into marriages that are not advantageous for the well-being of their offspring and lack the ability to discern their own desires and needs from that of their children. The very real need to maintain family ties causes people to verbally consent to marriages that they do not want and know will not be a good match. This is not consent! Those marriages are perhaps haram. They are then more likely to violate that contract. I've encountered a good handful of young men from a Muslim family background who come to the US and proceed to truly take advantage of young American women, lying to them as much as they lie to their families back home. My conclusion is that the ethnocentric(not Islamic) value system in many of their home countries combined with some variation of arranged/brokered marriage that is not necessarily designed to meet the real needs of the bride and groom who will then be expected to spend the rest of their lives together, is largely at fault. Marriage is described as half our din for a reason–two spiritually mature and maturing people who have affection (which breeds loyalty and trust) for each other, overlapping interests, comptable personalities and good character can only help us along our path and build a strong community with joyful families. What a vision! And this is what Islam calls for. Arranged marriages mean different things to different people, but one commenter described a healthy version in which two people get to know each other while chaperoned and the two young people have the final say with support not pressure from families. This works! This was also a common format in Western countries until sometime in the last century and some communities still idealize this approach. However, this is not what goes on in a lot of families. It's much less respectful and nurturing. Good marriages begin with a healthy community that supports healthy adults who in turn parent successfully, helping their children develop into servants of Allah who are capable of marriage. Such parents don't disregard their children's hearts and souls. Counselling against a marriage that would be harmful to one's child is a good parental move. Threatening to disown one's child if they don't marry the person you picked out based on who knows what criteria is an immature and destructive parent move. Let's all figure out what it means to be a Muslim and then try to act like one! Islam is supposed to allow people to live in peace internally and externally so that communities flourish, so that human beings rush to their lord without fear of what nasty things their parents or neighbors will say. Let's help people toward this! Let's do it!

  18. Narrow minded article. A person with week personality can fall for wrong person without even talking to them or any "muslimized relationship" whereas a person with a strong personality and practical and rational thinking can never fall pray to such dilemma even with such relationships. BTW such relationships are fun to have, spice up ur life a bit. And btw im a muslim.

  19. I am a muslim girl and im involved with a guy..we had sex quiet a few times which i know is so depressed and i want to die because i know i have committed a sin many times..we both after we have sex discuss that its haram but we meet each other everyday so we cannot resist..we cannot marry either..i want to stay away from him..but we know each other for more then a year..he is one of the best person ive ever met like the way he treats me cares about me and his personality is outstanding.but when it comes to being physical he is the one who forced me and now i enjoy it too…im soo depressed and fed up but at the same time i dont know how to stay away from him..i dont think ill b able to marry someone not a virgin anymore.i feel so ashamed telking all this..but i need help..please

  20. Just remember this hadith and never lose hope in Allah's power and ask Allah (SWT) over and over again to forgive your sins with 100% sincerity:

    Remember this hadith:

    Hadith no: 34
    Narrated / Authority of: Anas
    who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) say: "Allah the Almighty said: 'O son of Adam, so long as you call upon Me and ask of Me, I shall forgive you for what you have done, and I shall not mind. O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, were you to come to Me with sins nearly as great as the earth and were you then to face Me, ascribing no partner to Me, I would bring you forgiveness nearly as great as it.'" It was related by at-Tirmidhi (also by Ahmad ibn Hanbal). Its chain of authorities is sound.

  21. These relationships can be fun and spice up your life but that's not the issue. The issue is disobeying Allah (SWT).

    Eating pork/ham may be the most delicious meat you've ever tasted, but it doesn't justify you eating it. If Allah (SWT) said that eating such meat is forbidden, then it is forbidden regardless of the reasons why. Same goes for relationships. Even if you are strong enough to not fall into a dilemma with such relationships, the act itself is haram. Want to have a relationship? Find a spouse and have a peace of mind. (of course it's not that simple to find the right spouse, but yet, at least it's not haram.)

    And Allah (SWT) knows best.

  22. If I have been in a relationship for 5 years with a muslim man….and weve had sex….and then I realize that I did the wrong thing….and I realize he isnt the type of person I want to marry….What should I do? Will I have to marry him? Or if I ask for forgiveness and get married to someone else would it be wrong? I've done the wrong thing but I want to change that….what should I do?

  23. i have been a practicing muslimah for 2 years. i am a high school student. in order to protect myself from… all this, i donot even talk to guys, unless its really really important. but there are few guys at school who keep on flirting with me although they know that i am a muslim. i normally ignore them. but sometimes their cheesy lines make e smile and feel good (of course temporarily):(
    plz post some hadith against all this, like azab related all this. so that whenever i feel losing myself, i will remember that hadith to control my nafs
    BTW really good article

  24. My Dear Nadz…Your in the same boat as me….i was completely lost.i was also been praying to get him out of my life and mind..Dont worry my dear….we are not alone…God will always help to get through it..God is too wise to be mistaken and God is too good to be unkind so when you don't understand when you dont see his plan and when you cant trace his hands trust his heart dear..Ifu want to share ur problems and any kind of things u could email me at Hanakim975@gmailcom.
    God bless u dear.

  25. assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh… I got married at the age of 19 everything was moving on smoothly until my hubbs(also a Muslim) started seeing his ex-Gf while I was only 4months pregnant.. He made it very glaring to me that he was cheating I told my family about this and they said I should have patience that I'll pass.. Well it wasn't easy buh Alhamdulillah Allah put me through… The lady even had the guts to come to my home to harass me on my 9th month of pregnancy… I didn't do anything also I called my hubbs as he wasn't around and told him, dis I didn't tell my family cause I'll be a chaos so I kept it to myself… After a while he changed I was so happy.. Few months later he started communicating with his ex… This made me go crazy that made me cancel his love from my heart… Now he is even worse he keeps a lot of secret to himself, he lies, he isn't straight forward he doesn't respect me.. Thou he performs his duty as a husband wit provision but the love and affection isn't dere… He acts like he is doing me a favor.. Now I'm 20+ yrs old and my baby is almost a year… I don't think this marriage is going anywhere can I divorce him?? but I don't want a broken home for my son that's the only reason why I'm still with him

  26. You seriously need a Shaykhs opinion on this. However, from what I've learned. You need to see what is right for the family. If staying with your husband will affect your son's future, then divorce may be the only solution. If it is possible to improve the family situation then do not divorce.

    But his act is HARAM and he is clearly cheating on you and you have the grounds to divorce him. You need to show him that love and compassion is a two-way street. That you two need each other and none of you are doing each other favors. If it can't work out, then he is not taking his life seriously and has no concern for you or your son.

    I am saying all of this based on what you have written. Do not make this post a reason for choosing divorce or not. Think deeply about everything. Have a serious conversation with your husband and pray istahrah when making your choice.

    May Allah give what is best for you and your son. Ameen.

  27. Salamu Alaikum,
    I come here with a question (as well as a different point of view) as to why pre maritial relationships are dangerous.

    I am a new bride, and one month after our marriage my husband tells me about a pre maritial relationship he had with a muslim girl. He said they did not go as far as sex, but did kiss and grope (touching eachothers "parts" with clothes still on).
    I myself had always stayed completly pure and avoided opposite sex relations, where he addmits that he also had friends that were girls and that he would be alone with them sometimes.

    My question is how should one cope when they find out that thier spouse had a pre maritial relationship. I feel extremely hurt, unworthy, betrayed, sad, and even jelouse.I love my husband and Inchallah always plan on being with him, but how do I cope emotionaly with all the negative feelings I have even though I was not the one who did anything?

  28. I wanted to add that Muchallah he has been a wonderful husband and treats me with all love and respect.

    He completly stopped all contact with his "ex girlfriend" 2 years before I even knew him
    and he also stopped all friendships with girls after he met me a year ago.

    The problem is that his past is emotionaly haunting me….and haunting him also

  29. Your husband made some mistakes in the past and marrying you was a way of moving on. Marriage is not also just a union of two people, but that union establishes a trust in which you two will always tell the truth to one another. Your husband took that a bit too far and told you about his past sins as a way of being truthful. He should have left that part of his life uncovered because Allah (SWT) has hid his sins (at least from you) so why expose yourself when Allah has decided to not expose you? If he has stopped his past relationship then Alhamdulilah he has moved on. It is ok to feel jealous and emotional over it. Keep in mind Prophet Mohammed (PBUH)'s wife Aisha, was jealous of the Prophet's first wife, Khadija, every time the Prophet talked about her even thought she had passed away many years ago.

    If it is haunting him, simply have him keep asking for forgiveness and that inshaAllah you will be a way for him to forget about his past. You however, need to be the strong wife and help him move on as well. Do not get caught up over something that happened in the past. What has happened has happened. If the relationship was still going on now, then that would be a totally different issue but this is not the case and consider yourself fortunate that you have a great husband as many other women (just read all the comments above yours) have been through worse.

    May Allah bless you and make your marriage strong. Ameen.

  30. assalam about tattoo is it rely haram in islam if u have a girlfriend and u relly want to marry her but she says if u have tattoo of my name than i will marry on can these be done i need a reply pliz

  31. Yes, it is haram. You're not allowed to have a tattoo for any reason. If you are planning to marry a person who wants you commit an act of sin from before you even married to her, then you should really reconsider if you want her to be your wife.

  32. I think you should forget his past, since you weren't apart of it. The past is the past and you cannot change it. Learn to accept it and move in with the future. May god bless you.

  33. I need help! im a young muslim women not married yet. 2011 met a muslim guy had no intentions whatsoever to like him actual fact i thought he was ugly but he turned out to be so nice he's a real good hearted person. he understands everything. He would call me but i had no feellings for him then later on we kept talking i started to really like him in 2012 but by the time i realised his marraige was fixed was someone else. Our age gap was quite big i use to only talk to him to help me on my work as he was a REALLY smart guy- everytime he would do my work i would be chosen for the best.
    Anyways he had feelings for me i had feelings for him but he also loved his wife, i had nothing against him for that i told him myself your married we shouldnt be talking like this its wrong! i always feel guilty after ive spoken to him but at the time of talking it feels so good. i miss him immensley. he's married but we still talk we even met up twice. something right didnt happen there. i want to marry him and make him mine i told him make me your second wife because i want to do everything the halal way but its not allowed in this country and his wife will never give him for a second wife. his wife is lovely iv met her i dont want to hurt her but at the same time i want to marry him too.
    I KNOW ITS WRONG PLEEEASEE HELP ME GET HIM OUT MY HEAD AND FORGET HIM!! im addicted talking to him i tell him everything he's my best friend i really want to make him my husband too but thats jst not possible.
    i think The only way i can forget him is by hating him i want him to tell me to GET OUT OF HIS LIFE i want him to tell me STOP TALKING TO ME i want him to make the first move and END THIS STUPID NON EXISTING RELATIONSHIP ITS HARAAMM i knoww it iss!! but he's not doing any of this because he knows i'll be hurt and he doesnt want that to happen and i dont know why i jst cant end it cos i love him too much. he's the best husband i can find i want to marry himm but i dont want him to leave his first wife i dont want her to be upset. i think if he was allowed he would defo take the two of us. what shall i doooo pleease helpp i dont want any affairs. please get him out my head and heart.
    There are soo many other guys in this world but why to me i feel he's the right one he's the one i can get along with, theres no arguements, he understands me the best if i was married to him life would be soo much less complicated only if i could marry him our marraige would run smoothly. i cant trust any other guys i dont look at any other guys im committed to him but its so stupid i knoww its wrong why am i behavng like this! he's already married 🙁
    i cant trust any other guys in my life and im going to get married in a few years my parents have started to look. im scaared wt if i dont love my husband wt if an affair scared! im such a bad muslim:(( please help me please make me a better muslim. i love him and miss him so much please get the married man out my head. i'll feel soo much better. but at the same time i dont want to forget him i want to keep him forever marry him and grow old with him and go to heaven with him he is the better half of me…but what am i saying i thing iv lost myself im such a harami please someone help me.

  34. Salam,

    If you want him to make the first move, tell him to do so. You talk to him about everything so tell him to tell you to stop talking to you and let him be thee person to end your relationship. It is more of an obligation upon him to end it as he is already married. Delete his phone number, his email, facebook, everything you have about him. You'll feel like as if you suddenly have a huge hole in the middle of your heart and you'll be crying for awhile, inshaAllah, after every time you cry, remember Allah and always believe He only wants what is best for you.

    And stop telling yourself that you are a bad Muslim. We have to accept we are human beings and we are not sinless. We always have to go back to Allah (SWT) in forgiveness. In fact, Allah WANTS you to seek his forgiveness and admit to him that you are his slave and that you are weak. But if your parents are looking for a suitable husband for you, then you have to quickly get him off your mind or else every time your parents bring up a potential husband, you'll always reject them because you'll be comparing them you who you love and obviously, they can never be who you love.

    May Allah protect you and make it easy for you. Ameen.

  35. Walaikumasalam, (oops sorry forgot to say salam first)

    Everything you have said above is absolutely true and very helpful indeed. Thank you ever so much! You see I needed to sort this problem out but if I mentioned all this to someone it'll be so shameful and everyone would be shocked as people just assume im good but only Allah knows best, I hate it when the community makes judgements about people.

    Problem is when i do tell him to end everything he stays silent for a few mins and then goes "I can block you out but i know you'll be crying day and night" then i go just do it but he goes no you delete me out my life…I did try i tried so many times but failed! 🙁 everytime something happened in my life good happy or sad i felt like telling him and sharing it all with him. So then i went back but u know the guilt always gets me cos whenever i think about his wife and if i was in her position i would be so upset. I want him to stay happy with his wife and he is…what the hell am i doing in between them! who the hell am i! I feel so bad im the one making my life so complicated, if i followed the rules in Islam all this would not have taken place in the first place. But i had no intentions of liking or loving or making him my friend the shaitan came and ruined everything! Life was good when i was pure single girl i would do everything properly, nowadays i feel lost, sad, scared how am i going to face allah. i cant give my 100% concentration when im working or studying hence im failing everything so badly. My father's upset and angry on me and asking me why arent u working like i use but hw can i explain whats happening. Life's going downhill and im getting depressed slowly bt i dontshow it to anyone. No one knows about this nore family or friends. I feel much better talking about this i actually feel a bit more lighter.

    I know we have to lower our gaze iv always been told that from a young age but i didnt really know what it meant i thought u just dont have too much eye contact with a random guy but in fact theres more to it. i've jst been told stay away from bad guys and i do little did i know a storm would come into my life. I've realised as im growing older why am i feeling its more difficult to hold my faith…when u go out into the world u see everything theres so many bad stuff out there. ( You see i've always been sheltered home my parents wanted to protect me)

    I have a question, is it bad if i make dua to allah and ask him before i die once in a lifetime make him my husband, i want to be his wife someday, but i want everything to be done happily with no arguments everyone be civil.

    Thanks for all your advice please pray i follow it please pray this silly feeling goes out my heart because i know once is gone i can move on properly and also start fresh and new…its just the most difficult part is to overcome the feeling and letting it all go.

    Thanks again really appreciate it.
    May Allah reward you lots!

  36. "Problem is when i do tell him to end everything he stays silent for a few mins and then goes "I can block you out but i know you'll be crying day and night""

    This is exactly what you WANT to happen. CRY it out, its ok to cry and feel pain. You may have a bruise on your body and it keep hurting you each time you touch it, but in the process, its actually HEALING. So you can cry and feel pain but it's part of the process to get him out of your heart and mind. So tell him again and tell him that he is right but its for the best.

    Ignore each other when you try to reestablish a connection. It has to be from both sides. He should no longer try to talk to you again after you've agreed to stop. and he should IGNORE you if you try to re-establish a connection and vice-versa.

    "I have a question, is it bad if i make dua to allah and ask him before i die once in a lifetime make him my husband, i want to be his wife someday, but i want everything to be done happily with no arguments everyone be civil."

    You can make that dua. But at the same time, it is not an excuse for you to actively communicate to him in hopes that you can be his husband. Like you said before, what you're doing is a sin so it is your obligation to STOP sinning and stop talking to him. This will show that you can sacrifice what you desire most for Allah's sake. Then Allah will answer your dua by either making you his second husband in a way only Allah knows or, he can grant you another husband. Now you may say that you only want this man to be your husband but just like how before you thought he was ugly and now you love him so much, Allah can bring you another man that can be 1000% better then who you currently love today. Power is to Allah and Allah can make anything happen is He wills it. But instead of making dua for him to be your second husband, why not just make dua to Allah to give you what is best and to give you a husband that is best for you. If this man is what is best for you, Allah will make him your husband and make you his second wife. If Allah wants you to marry someone else, then that is because Allah knows that the other man is better for you.

    So Pray to Allah to give you what is best and simply block all communications with that person. Don't just delete the number, have that number blocked by your cell phone provider, don't just delete him off facebook or twitter or email, him him blocks so messages cannot be sent to you and you can't reach him.

    And yes, there is a risk that your parents can choose for you someone who ends up not being what you liked even if you already forgot about the person you currently loved, but you can either take it as a test from Allah or pray that your love increases with him.

    And Allah knows best. I Pray to Allah (SWT) that He gives you what is best. Ameen.


  37. My husband secretly gives money to his family who live abroad. He hides the reciepts frm me but I usually find them. Wen I cofront him he gets angry. At many times he stated that he came to the uk to look after his family. Becoz of this there is alot of distance in our relationship. Even the children dnt want to talk to him, they never ask for any money frm him. Plse advise me email I think his family has done blackmagic on him and it has becme v sevier! Help

  38. Bismillah hi Rahman ir Raheem.

    Me and my fiancee are in trouble.
    We've known each other for years, we got engaged last year. We hardly ever speak on the phone or meet. But do text regularly. Never had we been immoral or indecent to each other, never expressing our love even.
    But lately, we had been getting increasingly attracted to each other. We expressed a lot, and then we sinned gravely. We texted intimate things, there was a huge buildup, just kept happeneing, one text leading to another. We were so lost that we forgot reality and reached sexual release.Both of us are honest, sincere and God-fearing as much as we can be. Both of us are miserable in guilt.
    Can anyone relate to this? Can anyone tell us if Allah will forgive us? If our marriage will remain pure? What dua should we make? Any help on the matter will be most appreciated.
    JazakAllahu Khairan

  39. Honestly, you would definitely have to consult a qualified Shaykh for a proper answer. All I know is that an adulterer is only allowed to marry another adulterer (again, you're going to need a proper shaykh to confirm that) so technically, you're both adulterer's and hence can get married to one another. But that doesn't diminish the fact that what you've done was a major sin and that the sin of adultery isn't like other sins that can be forgiven by Allah so easily. You have to sincerely repeat to him on a daily basis until the day of judgement because you will never know if you will be forgiven for that sin or not.

    Please ask a a qualified Shaykh for his opinion and Allah knows best.


  40. salam

    while i agree wth DaBash that u two should consult a scholar and that it is a grave sin worth repenting, the admin should refrain from giving blanket statements like 'you are both adulterers' (i.e. you committed zina) and that you must seek forgiveness till the day of judgemnt etc.
    we are all humans and falling in the trap of satan happens to humans. zina(adultery) is a v huge crime and has legal definitions so personally i would not consider phone conversations resulting in individual masturbation as zina. but yes it was v indecent. here are my suggestions:
    1. repent sincerely to Allah SWT because His Mercy is greater than His Wrath
    2. never even think about repeating this. you two are almost married just have patience and it will work out insha Allah
    3. try to become better muslims now by doing good deeds and perfecting your faith. dont miss any salahs and seek His forgivenss always
    4. islam is not a religion which closes doors. it opens it.
    5. remember: never lose hope in the Mercy of Allah SWT

    i wish you two the best of both worlds. May Allah SWT have mercy on you and guide you and all of us. Indeed He knows best

  41. Alhamdulilah, thank you for also helping out and thank you for your advise. I didn't know of a better way to put my advise into words but it seems like you did a better job.

    May Allah reward you.

  42. Life is difficult in today's world with so many distractions and chances one gets to drift from the right path. I am man who is married and want to marry another woman as my second wife,this with the consent of my first wife. my condition is any muslima who is practicing and is a widow or divorcee. I am from south asia. my email is

  43. I like this girl. I am not sure how I am supposed to marry her if I don't engage in at the very least HUGGING. I don't see how you can propose to someone without even hugging them let alone kissing.

  44. I feel like the author could use a bit of empathy for these
    people, and you and I are both well aware of the relatively
    terrible situation in regards to Muslims and marriage. If
    Allah (swt) has the mercy to forgive people for eating
    haraam food in times of necessity, then perhaps this isn't
    much different; after all, the psychological need for
    companionship, or to love and be loved, can at times be even
    stronger than the biological need for food. I'm certainly
    not trying to defend zina, or couples spending time alone
    together and doing other prohibited things, but we should at
    least understand why this happens. A lot of people – good
    people, and good Muslims, even – get drawn into this kind of
    thing because societal conditions make having a halal
    relationship impossible, and few people have the willpower
    to live a life of celibacy for the sake of Allah, which is
    quite understandable. I hope to God I wouldn't ever get
    drawn into this kind of thing, but I can certainly see it
    happening to myself within the next few years, despite my
    desire to keep things halal, and at the very least these
    people deserve our empathy.

  45. How often you go for date? Where he lives becoz I met one guy who says he is divorced but I found he is married with kids.

  46. I'm in relationship with someone. We chat online , we call occasionally. We haven't talked to each other directly more than once , and that too not more than 5 minutes. We just fell in love with each other so we couldn't stop talking to each other. We do not want to disobey Allah and have sexual contacts with each other , nor we want any hugging or kissing before marriage. All that we both are praying and hoping for is a Halal marriage with both of our parent's permission. We both have hope that our parents are going to let us to get married. I just wanted to know if this relationship would be sinful and will it affect us in future?

  47. You don't know that for sure you are going to get married to that person . not untill you actually do. The marriage can break even at the last moment for some reason, or may be other selves. Brother, don't try to justify yourself. Don't you think ALLAH knows better than you and me? and you may be a strong person but that does not mean everyone is. Islam doesnt talk about one person, it talks in general, for all. You think you are strong, then go ahead. Have a haram relationship and stay focused that you wont do any haram things with that person. Lets see if you can keep it. Just be honest to yourself. Let go off the ego brother.

  48. Hello, Spell testimony I am Shelly from United states, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband, and i love him so much we have been married for 10 years now with five kids. when he went for a vacation to london he meant a lady called angel, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend miss Sandra and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Priest Grace who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 2 days. Miss Sandra ask me to contact Priest Grace. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by two days time he will re-unite me and my husband together. After two day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Priest Grace on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his He is the best spell caster

  49. Hello, Spell testimony I am Shelly from United states, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband, and i love him so much we have been married for 10 years now with five kids. when he went for a vacation to london he meant a lady called angel, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend miss Sandra and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Priest Grace who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 2 days. Miss Sandra ask me to contact Priest Grace. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by two days time he will re-unite me and my husband together. After two day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Priest Grace on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his He is the best spell caster

  50. Oh my lordy Therapist Oniha of the I GOT Briggs BACK. Im so excited, It only took 2days for him to come home. bless divinity and bless god. i must be dreaming as i never thoughts he would be back to me after all this time. I am so much shock and just cant believe my eyes. thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart,he always kiss and hug me now at all times,am so happy my heart is back to me with your help Therapist Oniha.

  51. Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh. Alhamdulillaah sister! He guided you to the True Religion which is the biggest of blessings! Every single sin you committed before reverting to Islaam, has been wiped away. Alhamdulillaah. May Allaah keep you firm on the Straight Path. Sister you have to understand that even though Ali didn't want to marry his wife, he HAS married her. She is also your sister in Islaam. Imagine how you would feel if you were newly married, perhaps pregnant and your husband was sleeping around. By sleeping with you, he has committed a major sin. Make a lot of duaa and please don't think about him too much. Unless he takes you as a second wife, or divorces his first wife, you shouldn't even see him or speak to him. Please take this seriously. You are a Muslim now alhamdulillaah. Focus on Allaah, on learning about this beautiful deen Islaam, on bettering yourself as a person. And ask Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala to give you what's best for you both in this dunya and in the akhirah (hereafter).